Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
I caught myself listening to gossip the other day. To my great shame because it was also a case of hypocrisy since I often teach against it. Yet, I allowed myself to do it because it was about someone with whom I have a poor relationship. Another sin – lying to myself that the sin was OK because I didn’t like the person who was the subject of the gossip and by listening a third sin by being a poor example of Christian values I failed my fellow Christians and God. I also sinned in that the group I was with were friends of mine and I didn’t have the personal courage to stop them and take the chance they would see me as one of those “religious nuts”.
The only thing to do in such a case is to repent and ask forgiveness and work harder to do better next time. Gossiping causes big problems in relationships. It is deadly to a church.
The motive of gossiping varies, curiosity, revenge or hurt are common reasons. The reason we do it may not always be to hurt another person, although that is often the result. Knowledge is power and we love the feeling of power. It is seductive to use lies as a weapon. We can even convince ourselves that we are doing a good thing by hurting someone who has hurt us or someone we love. We often enjoy the experience.
Christ calls us to have the courage and integrity to communicate directly with the person with whom we're angry, hurt or feel a grievance against. However, that is very difficult so we often use this passive-aggressive way to punish them. We go behind their backs and talk. Instead of going to the person and working out the conflict we talk about them to our friends. And we usually don't just tell something we know; we embellish it so it makes that person look a little more foolish, stupid, and hateful.
Another Passive-Aggressive method is to speak in generalities for example “Well, there are “PEOPLE” who don’t like ……… You fill in the blank.” which feeds rumors and innuendo and blows problems far out of proportion. This is very dangerous because one person who is very vocal can use this to influence decisions and manipulate people out of proportion to reality. To fight this it is important to seek out specifics. To know who, what, when, where, and why before making any decision. Don’t rely on gossip.
The Proverbs have a lot to say about gossips:
- Proverbs 11:13 says "a gossip betrays a confidence." Often, a friend tells us something for our ears only, but we know we can use it to make points with somebody else, so we betray that person. It's not much different than Judas getting 30 pieces of silver for betraying Jesus.
- Proverbs 16:28 says "a gossip separates close friends." This can be taken two ways: the gossips' goal is to make the person he's talking to think less of the person he's talking about, but also, when we gossip, sooner or later people realize we aren't trustworthy, so they back off from us. Either way, friendships are hurt.
- Proverbs 18:8 says, "The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts." There is a sensuous seductiveness in gossiping. The words are like the best food you've ever tasted. It may be bad for you, but it tastes so good!
- Proverbs 26:20 says "without a gossip a quarrel dies down." Gossips have power, and they use that power to keep people angry at each other. They destroy confidence and trust, and the delight in making themselves the center of controversy because they are the ones who say what truth is.
I'm afraid we have gotten too used to gossiping, so we aren't on guard against it like we should be. We hear people telling juicy stories about others at school, at work, at home, and sadly, at church.
Here's the solution:
- Don't do it. Just quit. That's right, when you find yourself wanting to have the power to tell what you know about somebody, just shut up. And talk about something else. I know from experience it is not easy but it is a great habit to form and to constantly work together on.
- Don't listen to it. If a friend wants to tell you something about somebody else, stop him. Say, "I really don't want to hear it. Let's talk about something else." When we walk with God, when we walk in righteousness, we are, as Peter called us, "peculiar people." People who love to gossip will think you and I are really peculiar if we don't listen to them talk about others in negative ways! They may think you self righteous or condescending. But who do you really want to please, a gossip or God?
Paul believed gossiping was a genuine sin. He put it in a list of destructive sins in his second letter to the Corinthians. And he instructed the Ephesians, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Eph 4:29).
Gossiping may be fun sometimes, but it is evil and it will hurt you in the long run. We need to see it as God sees it, and if we need to, repent. Be accountable. Replace those destructive words with positive, encouraging words that help people instead of hurting them. You will not always be successful but every success is a result of multiple failures. Repent, and work to succeed.
Love one another,
The Church Mouse
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